.................

A day passed by, a year passed by,
Lost in thoughts of shining rays, I let it fly

Lost and confused, I chose my life
Only to find stares of million eyes

Fought in the midst of doing nothing,
To find moments that I can own forever

Struggled to find a reflection in the knots
Only to find the mirror all cracked……

Gone yesterday, gone today, in leisure
Wished realization to grasp the moment dawned earlier........

Alive....but not kicking......

Hi there....
Somehow blogging has taken a toss....just got into the routine rut of things....i.e. Home-office-home...
Have been trying to write since so many dayz...but just was unable to put all thoughts on my mind into proper words...and that's where I realised, something was amiss, somewhere...Not that, now it's all fine...forget things coming back to normal, I still dunno what's wrong and where...This blog is becoming too much of irritation vending machine but I guess irritating on blogs is better than irritating dear friends....I dunno, somehow I feel that everything in life is just not happening right...Why do we feel that? I was just wondering...when I am on my death bed and I get that horrible feeling of having not lived my desired life...can't imagine my reaction to that thought.

My cute little sis is having the hell of a time just at the start of her education...she was not able to decide clearly as to wht or which stream is she interested in after her tenth...and I kind of gave her my suggestion and she has readily or grudgingly (can't figure out what exactly) has accepted to tht....and we have put in quite a potful of money to these monsters called 'coaching classes'...I don't actually regret paying them, neither will I regret if she isn't able to clear the exam but my only concern being......she must not get too depressed..she is finding everything very tough as she joined after the batch had already commenced...but I am sure as time passes she will rock the class...:-)She is getting the nerves seeing other students perform much much better than her....because she was too used to scoring the top position as far she can remember.....Its her first taste to this mad competition and the rat race on this earth....Hope god helps her throughout....Am feeling damn nervous for her :(Topmost worry at this point is my sister's education...hope she does not feel suffocated and hope her teacher's dont see her as a duh!!! I hope my decision fr her works.....otherwise I would not be able to forgive myself....I am ready to do anything for her success/happiness.....
Some people are so mean....my poor sister is facing difficulties...but non o to help her much, am just too angry with such people...and she is too naive and innocent to handle such people...God give her the reqisite lessons and the courage to deal with all this!!!Met up an old friend on friday evening....it was good meeting her after a long time....(though we almost chat daily over the phone...)...we talked about just nothing and almost everything....just giving a window to our stupid emotions....

Nothing is just going fine in life....at home...at office just nothing...n times I have decided to take up some course...but i just dont have the confidence that I will complete it and don't want to waste money just for the heck of it....lost out on my newspaper reading habit,,,(as if I ever had!!!)....feeling that I can never survive in this competition....me progress is gonna be the worst than I could have ever imagined....A few months back I though I will try and live life, fulfill my small small dreams if not the bigger ones, but I think I am not just made for it..there's no passion within me...Is it my problem or is the way I am conditioned all these years....Like for a small example but it hurts a lot andn all these 25 years, have never been on a vacation with my entire family...never!!!!I thought...forget all this people, I will go alone...But that too never happened....and my life is just full of all such small but so very significant things....

Another irritant is the match-making that my parents are upto these days....these arranged marriages are real risky ventures...but I think I never gave myself an option....Can't think of accepting a stranger...I think another difficult situation that I will face...hope it's not too near in the future though :)
And lately, I am fearing the untimely but sure to haaour lives...death....God knows what's wrong with me...Keep thinking nonsensical stuff like...what wud happen if this person/that person was to meet with it? And it does make me mad and hysterical with thoughts....Lately I have also realized that I have become too money-minded...god knows what has made me like this??? Is it my friend circle and the competition....Really don't know...I never thought I would be like this.....

Start of another week from tomorrow and as usual I am thinking how it will turn out for me...and m not getting any positive feelings....When will I learn to turn +ve in life....Ciao...Sorry again for so many grumblings...but swear could not help it......

Wishes...some possible, some difficult, some impossible.....

1. Take the sea in my arms and hug it tight forever and just dont let it go....

2. To go to the highest mountains and just keep the time to myself on the vast landscapes....

3. To drive a car to a distance as far as I could.........

4. To dance in heavy rain showers on the rocky sea shores....

5. Bungee jumping & all weird adventure sports.......but not alone....:-)

6. To go around the world visiting beautiful places....

7. To not feel alone and also not feel lonely ever....(get the difference..)

8. To not feel hurt by anyone on this earth......bcoz nobody is worth that on this planet....

9. To have someone to just understand my silence...

10. To have more of ME TIME....

Weirdo!!!!!!!!

...the weirdest thing I have done in office.....
..was getting bored...since was waiting for some data to come along and boss wasnt around...had gone for his usual hourly smoke breaks....i penned a poem on smthng very important to me....will post it later....

Anonymous.........

Hi,

Long time since I hv written...too many things happening, some good some bad.....so overall a mixed life once again!!!

some weeks back had CA results once again....pretty decent results...most ppl i know cleared....nd the result of my frnd whom I had been waiting 4......did come positive...yipee!!!!...I wud have been dead 4 words if it wud not have been....the results were declared at around 8.00 A.M. nd d gr8 lass that she is...dint check her results since 9.00 P.M.....13 hour wait...i was anxious almost as if it was my result....I told her later ---bcoz of this, she wasted 13 hours of celebration.. :-)......

First time ever, alongwid my neighbour - both of us organized a social get2gether 4 our society...around 125 odd ppl....it was fun planning the event.."event" bcoz we got a grand budget sanctioned..The gathering proceeded fine.....nd the best part was d anonymity i enjoyed...even though i have been staying here since childhood..ppl from other wings were unsure about my existence...the best reaction was.. "u are new in this apartment, nd u hv done a good job.." lolz.....i said thank u and walked on to have my first glass of juice at 11.00 P.M. The other one from a very gossippy aunt was.."u r so shy...never seen u in d apartment...where hv u been...keep organizing such events alongwid P*...she is such an enthusiast?"....Hope u enjoid, aunty...:-) nd i walked on to the caterer who seemed wild at delaying the dinner........

Now this has to be d best...at d end when one of d senior members was thanking d organizers (i.e. supposedly me and P*), he just said P*. I was anonymous at tht moment.I am not being modest, but the fact is I dint mind it at all. I m saying this bcoz we all want credit for the work done. But there I was all smiling. I felt good about myself. Not only bcoz of the success of the event but also Because at so many instances in life, I am sure each one of us have been feeling short of deserved credit..I think I did really put 2 practice wht i had learned...just do something for others widout expecting nethng in return....hope i be like dis ever....ciao....

Mind Mess!!!!

Hi...

Week has been horrible........I tried so hard to not form any opinions and judgements about smthng on my mind ...I really tried to remain +ve but it's just not working right...I was trying hard to be focussed and determined but ...Dunno...I hope things work out rite ....My fears of nervousness and tension of last week just came out true:-(....m not regretting ne of my decisions nd not even cursing my luck but at the end of it.. fact is whenever i try hard to njoi life....circumstances turnaround....

nd 2 top it all..there r very few ppl whom i can speak to with an open mind nd none of them r around this time...mind is stifled with all thoughts....just hoping things go alrite in the few days....

I had promised myself minimum of 1 book in a fortnight...tht too isn't happening bcoz in d nite i keep brooding over d next day or the day passed by....trying to start reading....Ek book uthayi to hai...when it get's over will post tht :-)....Newspaper reading has gone 4 a toss....i sit in d train, (if i 'm lucky 2 get a seat!!!)...just readng the headlines and i doze off....nd if i m standing...then no scope tht i will try nd even open d fold of the paper.....i m very ngry on myself abt tht...tht i will surely improve on...

I actually feel :-( tht i started taking charge of my life so very late...looking at few ppl...i feel i also had the potential but din't utilise it...but good i atleast realized it...Better late than never...feel i wasted a good no. of years...but then the damage is done...I dunno wht was d problem-- was it d controlled upbringing tht we had or was it my all time life-low confidence was at work or wht??? Hv cm cross pl who hv been very good inspirations, but d prblem wid me is tht d inspiration has remained in the heart, never rchd d mind -- which is necessary to put everthng i want to put into practice....

neways, enuf of feelng low.... goin 2 c Tare Zameen Par...movie has got good reviews..hope i like it 2...only thing is my alrdy trbled mind shud not get more trbld...i knw it will not happen....

Wantd 2 spk 2 my closest pal..but she's not in town since 3 weeks nd isnt even reachable..dunno when's she returning...I know her since long - long years now, but i still know tht i wud not hv been able 2 put my thoughts in words 2 her.....but it's alrite, my silence makes sense to her, i guess...nobody to listen 2 my silence hence just put it all here....

"Mann ka ho to acha, Mann ka na ho to aur bhi acha"- Harishvanshrai Bachchan...loosely translated to English...(thought the effect fizzles out)..."If things happen as u wish them to - good; if things happend against ur wishes- still better....." Hope it woks 4 me !!!!

ciao!!!!

A bit nervy.....

Dunno...y....but it is one of those days that i m feeling scared to wake up the next morning...is it because it is a Sunday evening...2% yes because Monday's generally start with a host of new things...

and i m not sure what the remaining 98% comprises of...is it work related deadlines or something else thts cooking within me...God knows....

I m feeling too tensed without any reason...dunno i m feeling that smthng is goin 2 go awfully wrong...

hope 2morrow turns out a normal day if not a good one....

People say " be indifferent of reactions by others to ur actions"...which is difficult 2 learn...but can v b indifferent to our own thoughts...can v let them not affect our life, our work...dunno...mightily difficult..i guess!!!

Wishing myself good luck 4 2morrow.....