Controversy

Hi all!!!

A doc has been taking my case history for some Fair & lovely treatment...(yeah!! some skin treatment)...and a case history spans from like what I like to eat upto what I think and how I think!!! And she has been repeatedly saying that there is a controversy around my life.
My mum's description of me as an individual and my essay on "Myself" to her has been very contrasting.

She was meaning to say, "You are acting as a soldier, just guarding and protecting your life too much to even let others take a glimpse of it".

Been to Jim Corbett National Park for an Offsite. After a long period of time, I was really smiling!. It was just great fun. Yeah as usual, mixing around with people was a problem. But then people whom I thought were just colleagues whom I did know for 10 months turned out to be great pals!! Loved the four days and am sure they would be among the few remembrable dayz that I have actually lived!!

Saw Rock on. Great movie. Farhan and Purab Kohli were cute! The movie as usual had an horrible impact on me. Because like the band Magik and its members, I don't have any passion in life that can soothe my life like no other thing in life can do. Why don't I have something that I can cling to? Can I develop one now or is it too late? Question remains unanswered?

Completed a book called "Bombay Rains, Bombay Girls". When I started the book, it seemed like some teenage read. But as the pages progressed, it was a very nice and light read. Life of a few medical students. A line that has clicked something in me from the book, "Hope is a double-edged sword, it brings anxiety & peace, fear & courage and Confidence & hesitation". Guess it is really true!

Planning in a holiday during the winters. Hope things work out. Looking out for some great company. Cant seem to find. Wanted to go to ladkah, but the routes are closes during winters. So for now, would do with some other northern states.

Another week begins tomorrow. As usual getting jittery!

Ciao ppl!!!Ciao Life!!!

Unanswered.

Happy Friendship Day to all of you!!
Life is really getting uncertain and unpredictable day by day....What may happen the next moment I breathe is not known...Deaths, accidents, diseases, close friends about to change their orkut status to committed and its sounding over even before it's about to begin, broken marriages, compromising marriages, corporate politics...its all around me now.
A pal asked me once do we deserve pain in life or should there be a state of constant bliss...?
Another pal asked me, why do we always have to compromise and adjust? Why don't others adjust to us atleast a few times in life?
Another question, in a typical arranged marriage matrimonial setting interview: What is the level of committment that can be expected of you in family?
Don't have answers to all of the above...........
Another yorker from somebody really inseparable: "She never voices her feelings. I always wonder what's on her mind!!!"For a change, I had a reply ready.."As if you ever cared to understand my silence...."
So many people have such ideal life...I wonder what it takes to reach there?...I think all the above answer my question...God knows why I don't do what I should...I think there is a differnce between what I am doing and what I wish to ....Is there? I am not feeling sorry for myself..feeling horrible about just letting 25 years pass by.....
On this friendship day...getting nostalgic of all the memories of school friends and a few of my close friends...nobody is around ...everything is drifting apart.....It had to happen someday and it has....Let go of it all....Have been clutching to all of it since long..........

.................

A day passed by, a year passed by,
Lost in thoughts of shining rays, I let it fly

Lost and confused, I chose my life
Only to find stares of million eyes

Fought in the midst of doing nothing,
To find moments that I can own forever

Struggled to find a reflection in the knots
Only to find the mirror all cracked……

Gone yesterday, gone today, in leisure
Wished realization to grasp the moment dawned earlier........

Alive....but not kicking......

Hi there....
Somehow blogging has taken a toss....just got into the routine rut of things....i.e. Home-office-home...
Have been trying to write since so many dayz...but just was unable to put all thoughts on my mind into proper words...and that's where I realised, something was amiss, somewhere...Not that, now it's all fine...forget things coming back to normal, I still dunno what's wrong and where...This blog is becoming too much of irritation vending machine but I guess irritating on blogs is better than irritating dear friends....I dunno, somehow I feel that everything in life is just not happening right...Why do we feel that? I was just wondering...when I am on my death bed and I get that horrible feeling of having not lived my desired life...can't imagine my reaction to that thought.

My cute little sis is having the hell of a time just at the start of her education...she was not able to decide clearly as to wht or which stream is she interested in after her tenth...and I kind of gave her my suggestion and she has readily or grudgingly (can't figure out what exactly) has accepted to tht....and we have put in quite a potful of money to these monsters called 'coaching classes'...I don't actually regret paying them, neither will I regret if she isn't able to clear the exam but my only concern being......she must not get too depressed..she is finding everything very tough as she joined after the batch had already commenced...but I am sure as time passes she will rock the class...:-)She is getting the nerves seeing other students perform much much better than her....because she was too used to scoring the top position as far she can remember.....Its her first taste to this mad competition and the rat race on this earth....Hope god helps her throughout....Am feeling damn nervous for her :(Topmost worry at this point is my sister's education...hope she does not feel suffocated and hope her teacher's dont see her as a duh!!! I hope my decision fr her works.....otherwise I would not be able to forgive myself....I am ready to do anything for her success/happiness.....
Some people are so mean....my poor sister is facing difficulties...but non o to help her much, am just too angry with such people...and she is too naive and innocent to handle such people...God give her the reqisite lessons and the courage to deal with all this!!!Met up an old friend on friday evening....it was good meeting her after a long time....(though we almost chat daily over the phone...)...we talked about just nothing and almost everything....just giving a window to our stupid emotions....

Nothing is just going fine in life....at home...at office just nothing...n times I have decided to take up some course...but i just dont have the confidence that I will complete it and don't want to waste money just for the heck of it....lost out on my newspaper reading habit,,,(as if I ever had!!!)....feeling that I can never survive in this competition....me progress is gonna be the worst than I could have ever imagined....A few months back I though I will try and live life, fulfill my small small dreams if not the bigger ones, but I think I am not just made for it..there's no passion within me...Is it my problem or is the way I am conditioned all these years....Like for a small example but it hurts a lot andn all these 25 years, have never been on a vacation with my entire family...never!!!!I thought...forget all this people, I will go alone...But that too never happened....and my life is just full of all such small but so very significant things....

Another irritant is the match-making that my parents are upto these days....these arranged marriages are real risky ventures...but I think I never gave myself an option....Can't think of accepting a stranger...I think another difficult situation that I will face...hope it's not too near in the future though :)
And lately, I am fearing the untimely but sure to haaour lives...death....God knows what's wrong with me...Keep thinking nonsensical stuff like...what wud happen if this person/that person was to meet with it? And it does make me mad and hysterical with thoughts....Lately I have also realized that I have become too money-minded...god knows what has made me like this??? Is it my friend circle and the competition....Really don't know...I never thought I would be like this.....

Start of another week from tomorrow and as usual I am thinking how it will turn out for me...and m not getting any positive feelings....When will I learn to turn +ve in life....Ciao...Sorry again for so many grumblings...but swear could not help it......

Wishes...some possible, some difficult, some impossible.....

1. Take the sea in my arms and hug it tight forever and just dont let it go....

2. To go to the highest mountains and just keep the time to myself on the vast landscapes....

3. To drive a car to a distance as far as I could.........

4. To dance in heavy rain showers on the rocky sea shores....

5. Bungee jumping & all weird adventure sports.......but not alone....:-)

6. To go around the world visiting beautiful places....

7. To not feel alone and also not feel lonely ever....(get the difference..)

8. To not feel hurt by anyone on this earth......bcoz nobody is worth that on this planet....

9. To have someone to just understand my silence...

10. To have more of ME TIME....

Weirdo!!!!!!!!

...the weirdest thing I have done in office.....
..was getting bored...since was waiting for some data to come along and boss wasnt around...had gone for his usual hourly smoke breaks....i penned a poem on smthng very important to me....will post it later....

Anonymous.........

Hi,

Long time since I hv written...too many things happening, some good some bad.....so overall a mixed life once again!!!

some weeks back had CA results once again....pretty decent results...most ppl i know cleared....nd the result of my frnd whom I had been waiting 4......did come positive...yipee!!!!...I wud have been dead 4 words if it wud not have been....the results were declared at around 8.00 A.M. nd d gr8 lass that she is...dint check her results since 9.00 P.M.....13 hour wait...i was anxious almost as if it was my result....I told her later ---bcoz of this, she wasted 13 hours of celebration.. :-)......

First time ever, alongwid my neighbour - both of us organized a social get2gether 4 our society...around 125 odd ppl....it was fun planning the event.."event" bcoz we got a grand budget sanctioned..The gathering proceeded fine.....nd the best part was d anonymity i enjoyed...even though i have been staying here since childhood..ppl from other wings were unsure about my existence...the best reaction was.. "u are new in this apartment, nd u hv done a good job.." lolz.....i said thank u and walked on to have my first glass of juice at 11.00 P.M. The other one from a very gossippy aunt was.."u r so shy...never seen u in d apartment...where hv u been...keep organizing such events alongwid P*...she is such an enthusiast?"....Hope u enjoid, aunty...:-) nd i walked on to the caterer who seemed wild at delaying the dinner........

Now this has to be d best...at d end when one of d senior members was thanking d organizers (i.e. supposedly me and P*), he just said P*. I was anonymous at tht moment.I am not being modest, but the fact is I dint mind it at all. I m saying this bcoz we all want credit for the work done. But there I was all smiling. I felt good about myself. Not only bcoz of the success of the event but also Because at so many instances in life, I am sure each one of us have been feeling short of deserved credit..I think I did really put 2 practice wht i had learned...just do something for others widout expecting nethng in return....hope i be like dis ever....ciao....